I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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