Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
