you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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