After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize