I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
