I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
