he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
