I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Someone came in the potted fern
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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