I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
