I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
