My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
