I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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