I can't watch pbs sober anymore
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
