well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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