We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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