Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
