Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
