I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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