if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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