someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
