Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize