I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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