They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
