Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
