Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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