Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
