Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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