You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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