Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
