GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Randomize
