I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
