uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
