Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
a search helicopter?!
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
