I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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