I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
