My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
