theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
