I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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