A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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