He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
