I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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