question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
