Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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