Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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