Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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