Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize