my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
