"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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