I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
