I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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