she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just pee around me
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
