It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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