Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
