im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
