Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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