It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize