im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
