I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
