I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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