Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
