I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
