Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Randomize
