I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
