I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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