Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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