you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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